My batch will be departing for their two-day retreat tomorrow. It's going to be loads of fun. Problem is, I'm not going.
Gravity is the force that pulls you towards the Earth. It keeps you grounded and perhaps keeps you sane. Too much gravity will make you feel heavier than you really are and getting from point A to B will take more effort.
Gravity is constant. And trying to defy gravity is a feat.
Could such a person as my self be able to defy gravity?
Right now, I'm in a situation where the term "gravity" applies so much. There's someplace I need to get to and it's up there. I can't begin to explain where all these problems sprouted.
Oftentimes, I wonder if everyone will have to undergo the same feelings as I have. My head tends to hurt so much as if being split in two by an axe and then my chest starts to heave and I have a hard time breathing and swallowing. Then the environment starts disappearing and the walls feel like they're trying to eat me up. There's this urge to throw something just to vent. Anger? No. Frustration? Perhaps. Anxiety? I'm not really sure. Pressure? Pretty much.
Some people would say "suicide" and I'd be lying if I said it didn't cross my mind. And I'm not saying that just to look emo. By all means, I hate brooding just for attention. Suicide would end a lot, really. A couple of times, while sitting alone at random times — sometimes in the jeepney, other times in class or sometimes before I go to sleep — I tend to wonder what I'd be writing in my suicide letter. Who would I like to thank? How would I explain why I killed my self without making the last person who made me feel negative feel bad? How would I explain or make them understand "It's nobody's fault". I've planned my death a few times from all the torture. Believe me, with all the swirling pressure in my head, the pain is so intense that even if I hit my self, it wouldn't hurt. The hurt overshadows the pain. I know. I tried. So I understand.
But then again, it's ridiculous.
More than once did I feel stupid that I had to wake up again but then again I drag my self throughout the day and end up saying, "Hey, it was worth it."
I kind of felt that I wouldn't be graduating this year due to a lot of complications that had knotted themselves without me realizing that they already have. I was getting to the part of accepting that I wouldn't be marching this March. My professors were asking me, "What happened to you?" I'd answer but there seems to be and I think there actually is no excuse for what's happening to me. I only had reasons — whether people saw it valid or not. Society was not being very friendly with me, as well.. Being hit on the head (literally... thrice even!) while in the middle of a sentence isn't fun. And the feeling of not being able to smack that person right in the face or in the gut feels worse. People whom I didn't even know existed had a problem with me all of a sudden. Friends whom I treated like family became fiends. And for what reason I have no idea. I mean, seriously, if you start pretending to be your own mom and failing miserably just to settle your differences with your classmates, I think you need consultation or something. Society was not being friendly with my real friends either and I seriously felt like I had to be stronger than those morons so I could "show them". I've had my share of college bullies and by that I don't mean students only. Favoritism has gone over the border. Joiners are popping up like Gremlins soaked in water.
But it wasn't society's role to understand people as individuals.
The world isn't going to stop for me. That's how it's been, how it is and how it will be.
I was used to bottling up feelings. Being a failure had always been me. The family wouldn't have that much of a problem accepting another failure coming from me. Then one of my professors told me something about "what could be..." if I graduated. Awards and stuff. I smiled at him and said, "Sayang." ("That's too bad.") I left the room looking fine and then I started taking fast but heavy steps across the hall. My breath was getting heavy. My smile was still there but somehow I can't feel it. And then I ran down the stairs as fast as I could. Something was coming out of my eyes and I hate it when things come out of my eyes. So I ran.
Tricycle.
"Manong, sa Pandayan po."
And then my mom. And then my cousin.
And then without warning whatsoever, I cried. Hard. Loud. Like I haven't cried in a long time.
It was all dawning on me. All this time, I thought I've been accepting the fact that I was a failure waiting to become just another failure. But in reality, I had some sort of purpose. I was stacking up things little by little with my efforts without realizing it, proving that I'm something worth noting, at least. If society hadn't found a useful part of me then I guess I have — without me noticing it. It was all so heavy all of a sudden. I felt like my throat was being torn apart and it wasn't because of crying so hard. Feeling ridiculous that I'm yet another failure and not wanting to look more failure-ish by whining like a sissy, I went to the bathroom to have some alone time. And then I said, "Lord, if this is what You want to happen for me then I guess You have a reason for it. I won't ask You to change it if You don't want to but I'd ask You for some strength."
Guess what happened.
There was a text message with a glimpse of hope. In joy, I tried running out of the bathroom with the door closed. I hit my head, of course, but it didn't hurt. I was crying with a smile plastered rather weirdly across my face.
A glimpse of light. A glimpse of graduation.
And then this morning, all of a sudden, the light seemed to die out slowly — again. There's that thing with my throat again and those stuff coming out of my eyes. My head and that invisible axe were about to make contact again.
"You're not going to make it."
Oh, damn you, phrase.
Defying Gravity is a song performed by Kurt and Rachel, characters from the series Glee, from where I first heard the song. I'm glad I heard it and I'm glad I downloaded it. I popped on my earphones and looped the song, absorbing every message it could possibly positively throw at me.
I etched and burned every person's face and name in my head. I won't give any names but they know who they are. People who support me by laughing with me. People who are just THERE. People who listen to me no matter how stupid and whiny it seems. People who laugh with me. People who helped me find ways to get there. People who pushed me when I stopped.
People who told me, "You can't stop now."
I listened to the song over and over and over again until my mp3 player's battery died out. I listened to the song till my problems were sick of it. I was in no way going to feel bad about my self. I was in no way going to even glimpse at the road to failure. Not now. There's too much to lose and I'd be damned if I don't try with 110%.
I'm not falling. I'm not backing down. There's somewhere I have to go and I'm going to get there.
Gravity is constant. And trying to defy gravity is a feat.
Could such a person as my self be able to defy gravity?
I can't get on a plane but I can fly kites.
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